AUSSIE G'RUBS

Frustration

2011-11-06T17:52:00.000+11:00

I'm annoyed.
Apart from my usual complaint of boys being stupid.I have friends who are stupid.
Let's say that you're dating someone and you like them enough to consider having a relationship with them.
You've been on dinner/movie dates and they've stayed over.
That's called 'dating' right?
So if you're naive like me, you'd sorta thing 'yeh this guy is interested in me'
You probably wouldn't be thinking 'this guy is fucking other guys whilst also seeing me'
But.
Sad face.
It's true.
He's fucking half the town whilst dating you.
Why?
Because you haven't had the exclusive dating chat have you?

I personally don't understand dating multiple guys at a time. I like to focus on just one, do it proper and then move on. I suppose it's different if you're just fuck buds but I think when you give someone the impression that you're dating, you should be very clear about your intentions to either date/fuck other people in the meantime. (even if you're a nice guy, it shouldn't be assumed)
So much unnecessary angst.
...my friend wonders why guys get shirty with him...

Sundays

2011-10-30T13:37:00.001+11:00

Bribery

2011-10-20T08:25:00.001+11:00

Pet hate #750

2011-10-19T23:34:00.001+11:00

WTF?

Har-har

2011-10-09T23:29:00.000+11:00

It's funny how things can change in a short span of time.Since last writing I split with my partner. Actually I think technically he broke up with me. The reason? Because he wanted to see other people. Seems crazy huh? That you go into a relationship with someone and then along the way decide actually no, I don't like this. I don't really have any ill will about the situation, in fact I pretty much moved on the next day, I moved out all my stuff at his place and started afresh. The problem though is that he keeps contacting me to catch up. We have caught up over a meal a couple of times since and I'm finding myself less tolerant of the things I used to put up with - I suppose because I'm no longer committed to make it work out, all the things I tried to accept and brush aside just get more difficult to take. The most recent occasion, he asked if I was happy and if I missed him, now I didn't want to be rude but on the one hand I felt like saying 'Yes, I'm quite content with my current situation' but on the other hand I wanted to just say 'You don't get the right to ask those sorts of questions i.e. it's none of your fucking business' - instead I just said I had diverted my attention to work and I was doing fine.So I walk away from the relationship having learnt that some things can't be compromised, some times your gut feeling should guide you, and relationships don't work unless both parties are committed to making it work. There were so many things wrong when I started the relationship - the fact that I engaged it because someone was keen on me, even if I wasn't all that keen on them, I tried to see the positive side of their personality and I tried to change things about him. Some of it worked because he wanted to change, the rest is still unchanged. I think that all along he felt like he wasn't good enough and every step of the way would find something negative to comment on in relation to my life - like my friends being mostly from my profession, or that I worked a lot and wasn't very adventurous or that I was a terrible driver (or just wasn't as good as him). I don't think he understood what it's like to do the work I do, I could rarely sleep in because he couldn't sleep in - you have no idea how tiring it is to be on-call and have to be have your brain 'on' at all times. And that often work doesn't get left at work, we're almost of different breed of person.We had almost broken up twice along the way, perhaps more, in fact it was those times that we actually had the most meaningful conversations. I only really realised after the relationship that we didn't communicate a lot, in the way I did with my friends, my previous ex and my work colleagues. I was out and about and meeting new people and thinking it's nice to actually have a conversation with someone who will engage and respond appropriately. None of the grunts and throw away lines that offered nothing.Moving forward, it's been a few weeks now, I've been hitting the town again with my mates (who I had put on the back-burner) and doing the social coffee catch ups. I think I'm less apprehensive about myself and meeting new people - I certainly feel more confident about getting what I want and pursuing it my interests. The question though, is, what has changed since the last time I was single? Probably nothing, I'm still trying to avoid the online world and trying to stay networked. Things are still tough as far as finding mr right. but I guess they always were...

Absence

2011-09-10T22:54:00.001+10:00

It feels like I forgot I had once wrote a blog. I came back to read what was back then and realised it's been about six months. It would be fair to say a lot has changed in life since then - although the things I had pointed out in my last post have occurred. My beautiful golf R arrived in May and I've been boy racing around in it; it's such a hot car!I've moved out of the townhouse I bought and back home (sort of) - more of a financial decision than anything else - my parents are doing retirement travel and I don't intend to work full time in 2012; works out. I'm still sorting out doing an RCT and Masters next year along with some further education. I'm still seeing the same guy - we're up to a year now - not without it's challenges. My work has finally settled into a rhythm, I'm doing regular on call which is quite disruptive to the personal life but it could be worse; I could be a neurosurg registrar!So far so good

Alive

2011-03-27T15:43:00.003+11:00

I am alive.
I am heaps busy with the new job.
I am seeing someone.
I have a new car on order.
I am moving house.
I am taking 2012 off.
I will start a Masters and a postgrad Diploma.
The world is my oyster.

Navman

2010-10-31T21:35:00.002+11:00

So I was talking to my beard this afternoon and she pointed out that her Navman (sat nav) was better than any real man she had met for a number of reasons:

navman is reliable
navman tells the truth
navman is there when you need him
navman talks to you

and I'm sure there were other things but I zoned out.

Tomorrow is a new week and it's time for a fresh start!

An Ass

2010-10-28T22:49:00.003+11:00

Okay, so it's not yet Friday but I wish it was, it's just been a tardy week and I'm quite over it, I'm dissatisfied with many things at the moment, or at least it feels like many things but its not.

I decided that when I got back I'd take down my online profiles and stuff and just give it a rest, I mean when I look back at it, I've been using the online medium for the last 10 years and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere - so I'm pretty much done with it. No more.

The other thing that happened a couple of nights ago... I went to see Douche after work, we kept in touch and I kinda just go out to places to eat with him. Anyway, he was a bit mopey and I went over to chat and I kinda ended up blurting out what I've been dwelling on for a while: I want to change him. There's something in his foundations that's spot on and I see glimpses of this guy who's actually normal between the insane. I said this to him as well as stating that he seemed quite happy the way he was (crazy). He denied it.

Which left me thinking WTF am I suppose to do..?! If you're fucking dis-satisfied with the way you are, find a way to improve yourself. I'm not the self-help guru nor am I the designated life coach - he's old enough to sort his own shit out. I was kinda pissed. Anyway, he said nothing and I walked out of his house. FML.

I have my own instabilities, I don't need someone who will add theirs

Negatory

2010-10-15T08:28:00.004+11:00

Ok. I like to use the phrase "stop being so negative" with muh mates, it's often a bit hypocritical but always tongue-in-cheek.

Today, I'd like to vent some negatives... (yes, I'm a biatch)

No hair
No brains
No style
No floppy hair
No emo
No skinny jeans
No hair straightener
No beards
No attitude
No communicable diseases
No ambition
No substance

...No chance

Proactive

2010-10-13T17:16:00.002+11:00

So, I kinda always complain that I don't have all that much going on and that I hate chasing and I'd rather someone chase me - my mates pointed out that if I was looking for someone similar, they too would be waiting and we'd never meet.

I was at my niece's birthday last weekend and we had a guy from an animal farm come out for the kids entertainment - he was really cute and engaging and throughout the day we made eye contact alot and he smiled heaps even when he was talking to someone else. I kinda thought he might be interested.

After waffling this story to muh mates and getting a second opinion, I was still trying to figure out how to make it happen. My friend suggested I SMS him and ask him out for a drink - she figured if he was a decent guy he'd reply either way: "No, I'm straight", "No, I'm not interested" or "Yes"

Anyhow, I sent the message and no reply for 24 hours means rejection right? I always liked to live in the land of wishful thinking, its much more pleasant there.

Marine

2010-09-27T14:11:00.002+10:00

[Gah!]

States III

2010-09-04T04:39:00.004+10:00

I've had a pretty eventful trip to the states yet again... the emotion, the drama and the excitement.

I started out my first night in SF with a mate of mine who lives locally, towards the end of the night, I end up hooking up with this Aussie paramedic from Perth - what the hell? Anyhow, the three of us end up on muh king size bed at the hotel... 'nuff said.

The next couple of nights were pretty quiet, I met a lesbian escapee from Morocco, who married an American for a green card, and I met a guy who worked at a bar as well as a clothing design company - pretty crazy working a day job and a night job at the same time. He's driven though and I'm sure he'll do well.

My first night out in SD was pretty uneventful, towards the end of the night I ventured to this Chinese restaurant that I had been to last trip and I notice this blonde built guy sitting by himself, I almost want to go sit next to him but I kinda chickened out - though I kinda timed it so we left at the same time - we ended up talking and walking down the street - turns out he's a f*cking marine - hell it's like one of those p0rn stories. The problem is I can't quite figure out if he's interested. *edit* he bats for muh team.

Then after a brief episode of business, it's off to Austin for a circuit party - big mistake, I hadn't been to one before, so it seemed worthwhile to go and check it out. However, I forgot to take into account that the liquor license ends at 2am and if the party was going to be after that, the boys had to be high on something...

I met my SF mate in Austin and we hung out with his friends, visited some prime pink attractions such as the Oil can and Rain. I ended up meeting/hooking up with a nice, newly out IT guy/fitness fanatic and we spent quite a bit of time together - it just a shame I couldn't take him with me...

Up to NY after that, not NYC, more like pink destination - Fire Island. After experiencing flights and transfers I was ready to veg out. The weather was borderline but we had fun on the beach nonetheless. The notion of having lo/middle/hi tea was rather laughable, but kept the alcohol flowing. I met a cute Israeli boy on the beach and subsequently at the bar - he was heading back to Israel the next day, most unfortunate.

Anyway, show must go on, muh last week should be just as interesting, meeting a penpal, catching an old friend and meeting some new ones...

Oops

2010-08-31T15:50:00.001+10:00

I'm in the states taking a long but probably needed holiday.
Heaps to tell already but no time to write!

Tip #472

2010-06-23T11:59:00.000+10:00

The use of 'fun' & 'fun times' are just euphemisms for 'sex'. Why not just say it?

Motiv8

2010-06-22T12:01:00.002+10:00

My brain is fried at the moment. Can't seem to focus on what I'm suppose to be doing. Need to apply for jobs for 2011. Need to book my holiday. Need to study. Instead, staring blankly at the screen. Ugh. FML.

Tip #374

2010-06-17T21:11:00.000+10:00

When taking a self-pic, avoid showing your messy bedroom.

Ice

2010-06-16T17:40:00.001+10:00

I found a new place to play where I can perv on pretty boys; the ice skating rink. I don't mean the figure skating ones either... I'm talking ice-hockey players & speed skaters. Gah.

Vices

2010-06-02T23:25:00.004+10:00

Weis Queensland Mango & Cream

Sara Lee Mixed Berry Ice Cream

That is all.

I think I just vomited in my mouth

2010-05-21T16:26:00.002+10:00

Hi there, xxx here just for the night from QLD, I'm at the xxx hoping to hook up tonight, I'm 47, italian, 5'9", average hair body, clippered, dark hair and eyes, olive skin, very passionate, bottom and top, very passionate, love lots of oral and well presented, if you're looking for a casual fuck buddy I hope to hear from you, I'm in Melbourne every 2 or 3 weeks. xxx

Fuck you Grindr! Raahhhhh!

Clear

2010-05-21T16:10:00.002+10:00

Doing nights at the moment, has been a pretty good year so far. I've figured out where I want to go with my career and am slowly planning my journey for the next 12-18 months. The work side of things has been pretty good, it's nice to have a change of scenery for the next two months, I don't miss my work colleagues but I miss the hospital. The new place is okay, the job is a bit (a lot) shit, it's shift work & there's no ownership.

As far as muh personal life, well it's kinda in holding pattern. I've taken on the task of talking to more people and expanding my network - however, I seem to just encounter more douche-bags. The last said guy that I was seeing, I have sort of kept in touch with in a friendly way. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like holding on to this anticipation that someone will change and be everything you want them to be when clearly and logically that will not happen. The second guy, well he went and found a new job so I have one less guy to perv on. The emergency doctors more than makeup for that tho!

Guys in general are shit. They say they are looking for friends but they just wanna fuck around. They say the want to have a drink then don't confirm a time. Shouldn't have to be that hard. Fuckrrrs.

Busy as...

2010-03-21T11:42:00.002+11:00

I haven't written in a while, not so much because there's nothing to tell, in fact there's a lot to tell but, i've just been so bogged down with working and trying to fit everything into 24 hours include a decent nights sleep.

So where to begin, okay lets start with work, I"m doing a job with 2x co-resident doctors, one of them wants to do General (Family) Practice and the other wants to be a general surgeon. I'll preface by saying that I haven't really job shared much during my time. In short, I find them both rather useless and they only serve to increase my workload... it's partly my fault because I'm a control freak who likes to know everything that's going on... Anyway, so my seniors think I'm great (which is great!) but I also think it's more a reflection of them than myself... And I do try and help them out but there's only so much one can do; some things should be common sense.

Alright, onto the personal life, I was seeing someone briefly and it was just one of those unfortunate situations where the physical part was good but the emotional/personality wasn't. I can't seem to get it right. I've learnt that I just need to trust my intuition a little bit more, esp on first dates when i'm usually correct... I thought this guy was a little boring and said a lot of 'stoopid shit' and for a guy who's 23-4 I expected a little bit more from him. That said, he did have gentleman qualities, like opening doors etc... but unfortunately, the growing up & maturing is not something I can change.

My other passing interest is a guy who works at a cafe that i frequent and he's only there part time whilst at uni, he's really quite the model type & he always makes me nervous and I stutter... bad. However, I think as the weeks have past I've started to get over it... in fact, I'm more certain than ever that the world is full of douchebag males. I mean sure he's a nice guy and he interacts well, but firstly I don't know if he's pink and second, his friends are likely to be pretty airheads who I wouldn't hang out with anyway. What happened to meaningful interaction and attractive males that came with all the options ticked?

Alas, I've decided to give it a serious rest and focus on my career, perhaps in my off time I'll go get married to a nice girl. Ha.

FCKN AWSM

2010-02-02T20:33:00.001+11:00

Back on the job doing what I want to do.
Heaps of fun.
Lots to learn.
So much to do in preparation of training application.

Backpedal

2010-01-22T10:08:00.003+11:00

Okay, so I got back to the dating thing and I think I just suck at it or I'm just not very versed. I blinded dated this guy and then did what I always seem to do; went back for another date - regardless of my initial impressions - I wasn't all that keen in the physical sense but he was otherwise a nice guy... (I have a confession, when I say there are no decent guys out there, there are actually, I'm just not attracted to them... Haha). So, anyway, we stayed in touch and then i did a stupid thing whilst I was drunk and asked him to hang out one evening; he ended up staying over & getting amorous. So I vowed after that not to do any more, because I'd be leading him on somewhat, anyway he ended up staying over again; this time nothing happened, we just slept. But I felt bad, cos I didn't mind the company but I think he thought there might be something more...
I'm still struggling with the idea of dating & feedback... how do you say you're not interested in intimate relations but okay with friends - without being a prick about it. Most of my mates suggested that I stop calling/texting but I'm not really the bastard type.

Play by Play

2010-01-05T01:11:00.002+11:00

So, this is like my M.O. the process of which I filter subjects, often it's the same structure and sometimes I use the lite version...

Ok, lets begin.

So when searching online, always filter out those without pictures... why? because men a very visual creatures; self explanatory... oh and blurry pics = ugly, tiny pics = ugly. Keep in mind that people instinctively choose to put their best foot (Face) forward... scary huh!?

Then, keep a conservative age window; people inherently lie about themselves, their age etc... this just helps keep it real... besides there aren't that many attractive guys above your age bracket if you can't find that many in it!

Next! Okay, profile stats... my interpretation is this - it's real easy to fill this out, you just tick/click or punch in some numbers. Not very hard. If a boy cannot fill these out they usually fall in to two categories... lazy or have something to hide. Take the follow examples:
No Age = I'm old
No weight = I'm fat
No height = I'm insecure about my height
No cock size = well okay, I'm a bit forgiving about this one because not everyone is brought up to be completely comfortable about talking about how long it is etc... however, I will say that over estimation is rife... esp when said boys come with pictures which make you wonder where they started measuring from....
No ethnicity = I'm from a racial minority

Right, now onto the lack of information in profiles... well we all know that girls are more articulate than guys, they speak more words per day etc etc... The extent of a guys intellect is often founded in the first few sentences... such as looking for fun times, but more and more people write the same cliched mumbo jumbo which doesn't set anyone apart... things like I like sport and going to the gym or having a beer with mates, clubbing or watching DVDs on the couch... everyone has become a generic.

SO, assuming I haven't ripped you to shreds by that stage, it comes down to the overall vibe... do you sound like someone I would want to date once or more than once or someone who's probably just around to get off. Lets progress and say yer, I think I'd like to go out on a date with you...

I often send a very general opening message like, hello, I like your profile (and how you like this/that/or the other) and was wondering if you'd like to have coffee/drink/beer/dinner some time? sometimes I like to tag on the what do you do with yourself/on an average day question in there - it frames a little bit about what a person is like/their lifestyle and routine, it also gives them a chance to say someone about themselves (which btw is the whole point)...

I will pause here to say that sometimes the reply i get isn't very meaningful and i feel like i'm talking to a five year old...

regardless of how inarticulate they are, the crucial point is how well they interact, if the response fails to deliver a question in return then it's all over (and if there's no response, it's their loss) and I come to two conclusions... 1. the boy is not interested or 2. the boy isn't a good communicator. Both of which are incompatible outcomes. It's not difficult to engage and show some interest in what a person does for a living/for relaxing/for fun...

Right, now fast forward a bit into conversation land, I absolutely hate talking about myself and what I do, but I think it's an essential part of who I am and thus if someone I go on a date with doesn't enquire/ask, then they're missing a huge chunk of me... it's almost like on principle the idea is to get to know each other... I do that in most interactions I have with people (when I have the energy) even if I don't want to date them... I'll ask what they do, what they really do! It's all interaction...

Now can you see why I'm sick of boys...

Resolutions

2010-01-04T15:06:00.003+11:00

New years was a blast. I got exceedingly drunk and got really sick and have been in bed the last couple of days. My mates have all been trying to come up with resolutions for the new year and I've kinda just lost the plot.
I'm sick of guys, so much so that I can't bring myself to go out dating. Actually, that's not true, if there were any eligible then I'd think about it. It really isn't supposed to be this complicated.

Another thing...

2009-12-17T00:12:00.003+11:00

Things seem to ebb and flow in muh life. I get a sudden wave of messages from random people and then there's weeks with nothing. Often I don't really read them because they're too short/inconsequential but I got this msg from a guy that said,

"So saw your profile pic, went to check it out, and after reading your profile I'm intimidated!!"

and it kind of occurred to me that may be I am being a little bit intimidating, probably not intentionally, but I just clearly bullet-ed about me and about what I was looking for. I wasn't even being specific like requesting for particular hair colour or eye colour or profession or other physical characteristics. I like keeping things straight forward (and it's like a check box).

Speaking of straight, I have this other issue, all these guys have this thing about writing about how they are 'str8 acting' and I laff most of the time because they have these ridiculous photos of themselves which make them look obviously homo. What's the point of writing such crap; some even harp on about how it's not an act. I would much prefer it if they could write masculine or not so masculine; simple.

I have another annoyance, people who clearly don't self check before presenting in public, whether that's online or out in the street... like today a bunch of fat chicks at the swimming pool wearing inappropriate bathers, I couldn't tell if it was breast or tummy or breast squished against tummy flab; ugh. And then there's guys who use grindr and put up really unappealing photos of them drunk or doing stoopid sh!t and wonder why no-one will message them. Whilst I'm on that topic, "Hi" is not a significant gesture of starting a conversation with me, "Hi" can be for passing on the street but I need something more substantial; this excludes comments such as "hot body", "hott" or "sexy". Lastly, a date is a prerequisite to anything more. Oh and given the current societal infatuation with Twilight: New Moon, I offer this phrase from muh collection:

"Abs do not maketh the man"

regardless of how abtastic the movie is.

Classy

2009-11-30T14:30:00.002+11:00

So this guy messages me:

Wanna get slammed?

And immediately, I think, hmm real classy charming kind of guy no? But it also kind of makes me upset, perhaps because all he thinks I'm good for is a shag... perhaps I should be flattered that he finds me attractive... and somewhere buried inside it annoys me because I'm this conservative moralistic practically celibate guy who can't just chillax and have some fun. So I feign innocence and reply:

What?

Did what?

2009-11-26T22:28:00.002+11:00

So, I've got a cold at the moment which means time of work and time for self. I've moved into muh own humble abode and am still unpacking shit, my dining table has books and paper strewn all over and muh garage is full. Ugh.

I took the plunge and decide to get a housemate, thankfully, this won't happen for another month or so, I'll have time to get settled.

Work continues to suck, because it is not surgery obviously, but hopefully things will look up.

Some days I wake up and think hey it's all good, but there's other days that I wonder how the hell did I end up here? I'm struggling with the fact that I'm pretty much settled but still on muh own. I guess I didn't expect to be doing this alone.

Final week

2009-11-01T01:07:00.003+11:00

Okay so i've been lost in the abyss for a little while and a lot has happened in that time, nothing ground breaking, but alot of small things. I'm finally finishing up this medical job, hopefully forever - it's been a huge source of job dissatisfaction occupying my thoughts. Although I'm surgically inclined, I have a couple of gripes with public health and administrators who think of only the dollars they spend on healthcare without consideration of the quality of care provided. I always thought that medical jobs would allow for more patient interaction and thus improved quality of care. False. The fact is the patient load is significantly more than surgical or even specialty medical units. We work in a system that's driven by performance figures. It doesn't matter that the patient receives sub standard care, as long as the patient is out of ED after 4-8 hours and has a bed. It doesn't matter that the patient gets shafted between teams because no one is willing to take ownership of their management. It doesn't matter that the doctors resent coming to work day after day in the system. It doesn't matter that patients care isn't as important as admission/discharge stats.
Walking in to this job, I knew that I was going to have troubles adjusting, I just didn't expect to finish up hating work everyday.

That aside, I found a place to call home, moving in a couple of weeks, possibly looking for a housemate, not sure yet, I'm just not sure I can live with someone else, however, I suspect it could be a good option. That leads to the second problem, finding someone suitable. You see, if i find a guy - I'd have to find someone unattractive, so that there would be no chance of having the carrot in my face all the time. If I find a girl, then she potentially will have str8 guy friends over - which are obviously unavailable to me... Anyway, I have time to sort that out

Boys on the cards? Hmmm, not really... Watch "Love and other disasters". That's me and I'm sure it's a bit of you too. I was crushing on the psychiatry registrar but i suspect he has a fiancee. Then I was crushing on this other Dr at another hospital, but I don't even know if he's pink (there's some public speculation). Ugh, there was one other psych reg at another hospital; now he's pink, but older, and I just don't know how to initiate anything because we don't cross paths all that often - that and I'm not sure if he's taken (the good ones are)... So, in that dept, no luck yet.

What else? Oh. Right. So next year I'm doing a surgical year, thank god!
I'm planning my holiday time, prob back to the states to see muh mates & meet new people. All muh (close) work colleagues are defecting to another hospital... I'm :(, I have to make new fwends ugh.

Right. Sleep time.

Not dead

2009-10-12T17:52:00.000+11:00

Still here, week 8. Will write; when inspired.

Sore

2009-09-08T19:55:00.003+10:00

Week 3 and I am ready to slash muh wrists.
Medical sucks. Today I had muh first patient die on me; it was expected tho - I'll miss the fluffy hair that grew from his ears. Tomorrow I suspect will be the next.
That aside lifes sailing a smooth course. I'm working my ass off and saving for a house. I think I found something but I gotta hassle the bank about finance.
Got a new trainer on Sunday; he's v. cute and hence pleasant to look at though I catch myself before I just stare. We'll see how that goes; I think I prefer female trainers.
I was pretty wrecked today, I got home and laid down and next thing I know I've fallen asleep for 30mins and drooled on muh pillow. :(

Change teams

2009-08-24T23:44:00.003+10:00

Day1, new job, new reg, new hospital, thankfully some old friends.

I don't know if I've already said, I hate medical jobs. Main reasons are: long ward rounds, little patient improvement & placement issues.

However, there are positives:
I like being back in close proximity to good coffee.

There's a new selection of eye-candy.

This may be the last medical rotation I ever do.

The weather is abysmal but again I haven't seen the light of day much; working through Sunday til midnight & tonight until 10 - I'm wrecked.

13

2009-08-07T21:13:00.002+10:00

Got one more day at work before a full day off; that's 13 days straight.

My registrar reveals he's completely unattached and also that a reduction in working hours this rotation might be troublesome financially - makes me wonder where all that money is going to for a single man...

Tired as all hell but still dragging myself around the hospital bright and early.

Sick of all the retreads that are on the hospital staff.

Wondering what culinary delights I can fill Sunday with...

BZP

2009-08-04T19:26:00.002+10:00

Another week... yesterday I managed to drag my ass back to gym after a long, long weekend or work, I got home had a Diaz and went to sleep, woke up this morning feeling heaps better. So in the last week...

1. Worked Friday evening til 10, then Sat & Sun 14hr shifts - heaps tired, but not too busy

2. Spent one weekend day in Orthopaedic theatre assisting the registrar, who happens to be kinda cute, country boy, blue eyes, kinda metro

3. Went out after Sat'day night til 2am - bad idea when work starts at 8

4. Stayed at work Sunday til 11.30p to sort out all the new patients for Monday

5. New registrar Monday 7.30a, thankfully he's quite easy on the eyes, my height/built, green eyes, light brown hair, has braces, kinda goofy cute and single, late-20s, not sure about pink status.

6. Organised for a weekend away for a conference, SS & I are staying in a hotel - not sure whether this will be another opportunity to start/repeat events from NYE

7. Found out my dog groomer is pink

8. Think that one of the new plastics registrars is pink, she wears pants!

9. Decided that one of my colleagues is like my female equivalent; she thinks like me, we're always on the same page, it's kinda freaky, it's all quite bizzare.

Blurrrrr

2009-07-19T22:57:00.003+10:00

Another week has flown past without me noticing it. Looking back on this week...

1) I have succumb to ordering an iPhone - or as I prefer to think of it, a new iPod w/telephony.

2) I got to excise a sebaceous cyst by muh own self in theatre; watchful eyes of course.

3) Armed with a 21G needle, I aspirated a Breast seroma on muh cover shift - patient satisfied.

4) Had muh second ride in tow truck (ever) as the hydraulics in muh clutch died quite suddenly, it's gonna be a fairly hefty bill.

5) Found out that the hospital will let me deduct my hotel costs from Apr '08 - I just gotta find them receipts!

And another week is about to start... Bonne nuit!

Lutz

2009-07-14T15:27:00.003+10:00

I had the pleasure of seeing Brüno with muh beards over the weekend. I don't go to the movies much but I had a good time; it had some substance and plenty of entertainment value. I spent most of it cringing.

I was most amused at the relationship between Lutz and Brüno. The expectation of them ending up together even though Brüno thought Lutz was 'plain jane' and Lutz's was almost sycophantic about Brüno. There was some truth under it all the age old sweet plain jane chases clueless pretty boy.

That night, I decided I would be a Lutz but not in a 'grow-a-beer-gut' sort of way just in a find someone who 'rocks-muh-world' way and then have them figure out that it's meant to be...

Offensive +++
Entertaining +++
Eye Candy -

Are you allowed to date other members of the team or do you have to wait until the season is over? - Brüno

annoisement

2009-07-09T23:21:00.002+10:00

Back home after a long day + cover shift. Pretty reasonable afterhours actually, I had a great nurse who volunteered to do all my IV cannulations for me! Then I got stuck with an Ortho patient in acute renal failure; my first thought was 'fuck those damn orthopods' they're so useless, you'd think that you'd do something when your patient pees 60ml for a whole day... anyway that was the least of my problems.

I had this patient with a dog bite who was waiting for theatre to have it cleaned up, she came into hospital as a private patient and was told that she would be done on the morning list, so she had been fasting. Then they had an emergency case during the day which bumped the other cases back. It got to the evening and a nurse happened to inform her that as she was private patient, her procedure would be done by the consultant surgeon and as such wouldn't be til after hours. She cracked it and said she wanted to go home and check herself into a private hospital. I tried to see if the consultant was available but she wasn't remotely interested in stay even though she was on the theatre list. So I gave her the spiel about discharging herself against medical advice - she signed the form and was out the door. 5mins later I get a call from the registrar on for that unit who happens to still be around the hospital - I get chastised for letting the patient go and told that I needed to consult a registrar first especially since I didn't know the patient's circumstances. I wasn't in the mood for a fight so I let it slide, the patient had made up her mind before I even spoke to her - I hate getting caught in the middle I would have rathered her just abscond from the ward.

Fuggered

2009-07-05T22:56:00.000+10:00

I walked into the elevator this morning thinking i'm bucking fuggered. After two 14-hour shifts, I'm pretty tired. However, I think my registrar is still in theatre, so come Monday morning, I think he's going to be a little cranky.

666+6

2009-07-02T20:48:00.002+10:00

So, I was out the other night having dinner and a friend's ex-boyfriend mentioned he had this triple six criteria for potential partners. I was initially a bit puzzled but then it made sense:

6 foot tall
6 figure salary
6 inches of personality

However I would like to add:

6 pack abs!

Pet hate #259

2009-06-26T21:26:00.002+10:00

Being woken up in the middle of the night by my bed partner's wandering hands.

In my book sleep time is sleep time, that means not being awake, not molesting the person sleeping next to you.

I've had this happen on a number of occasions, usually starts with hand on crotch and a little rubbing. I'm aroused but too hazy to be bothered usually I move and go back to sleep; unless of course the action is persistent or progressive, then I can't sleep - have to get it over with and then roll over. Ugh. Surely gentlemen could have some manners.

Pours

2009-06-24T10:34:00.002+10:00

When it rains, if fucking pours.

I seem to always go through these spells of being busy and full on and then nothing. It's the same with guys, there's a period of nothing, then suddenly everyone wants a piece of you. The more I think about it, the more I see myself staying single. My heart just isn't in the right place, I want to join the army, be on the front line doing what I've been trained to do, without having to worry about someone back home. I'd never have to be alone if I didn't want to, I'd be surrounded by people and I get to see the world. The other part of the plan is to move to the US for a while, how exactly that will happen is still in planning, but having made some contacts over there I don't think it will be terribly hard to find a job and settle in.

My concerns in the relationship realm relate to history and future, they say history repeats itself. I have a habit of dating people that I'm just not attracted to, perhaps because they seem like nice guys, but I've never really sparked with them. I know it'll sound a bit conceited but for once I'd like to date the pretty boy with brains - I'm not gonna say I'm ripped and shit hot, but I'm pretty toned and I've never dated a guy with nicer abs than mine; that's a little bit disappointing I think. That said I've also never dated a guy who I thought had a higher IQ [1 exception]. Damn I sound like a bitch. But seriously I don't think it should be that hard. There are so many wants and don't wants in my mind. I'd like to be looked after but not date someone heaps old. I don't want to be the breadwinner nor do I want to date some multi-millionaire. I'd like a guy who looks after himself but isn't too metro. Someone who's buff but isn't heavy enough to crush me. Obviously there's a component of me in the aforementioned criteria and yer, there are things that could be worked on to change that and believe me I'm working on them. I'm a big believer in getting out what you put in. But for now, it's singular.

But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
--Avenue Q

Busy

2009-06-23T16:48:00.003+10:00

I started a new surgical job and have been incredibly busy during the week, my day starts around 0730 and finishes some time after 1700, 5 days a week and the odd 14hr weekend day shift. Not that I mind, this is what I want to do and it does keep me stimulated.

I haven't had a chance to write much, let alone think much. I've seen GD a couple of times since I've come back, had what would be considered 'dates' and I stayed over at his one night - no funny business. I'm still a bit 'meh' about the whole thing, it's probably in keeping with my state of mind in my last blog (which is still in draft mode). I'm not ready to get serious. That and we probably just don't spark in the sexual domain (something to do with physicality I think), we get along great, so friendship isn't out of the question. He's going to be away for a couple of months on leave so perhaps this is best.

On other fronts, I'm quite tired of house hunting, yes it is winter and there are fewer houses on the market, but the process is tedious and draining my energy. So perhaps my attendances at auctions and inspections shall be limited for a while. Besides, I need to work some overtime in order to build my deposit up. I'm heaps keen on moving to my own space; in fact I've got a work colleague lined up to be my housemate, thankfully she's just as OCD as I and I realised that she wasn't aware of my pinkness; I rectified that last week.

So life goes on. I'm still waiting to Mr Oh So Right to show up but in the mean time I'll keep my Channing Tatum wallpapers up on muh iMac.

Fog town

2009-05-24T14:37:00.002+10:00

I've been in SF for a week and had an amazing time. Starting off in a city where I knew no-one and now having mates that I'll keep in touch with and come see again. It was a Friday night and I met Gabe and we went clubbing down in the Castro. It was kind of a similar experience to clubs back home. Anyway, so we got separated at the end of the night and I ended meeting some guys who I hung out with over the weekend. My mormon buddy (MB) arrived on Tuesday and seeing as he's underage over here (19), I knew we were going to have some troubles getting him into clubs. Luckily, my newfound friends had connections, so we ended up getting him in somewhere every night. Unfortunately, I got a bit paternal and stayed reasonably sober to look after MB (his parents didn't know he'd escaped to SF for a few days).

I'm back south into the sunshine now, enjoying my last few days here, so much more to add but that's for later.

Older

2009-05-11T02:06:00.002+10:00

I'm sitting in a Starbuck's on Broadway in San Diego. It's early morning on Sunday and yet there's quite a buzz of people around. The weather seems somewhat overcast, but that could be because the windows are tinted. Last night I stayed downtown, I was at Sea World with family friends and figured it would be easier to stay downtown before I fly to New York. I was going to go out last night but I was flat out exhausted and keeping in mind that I would be coming back to SD later in the trip, I passed out.

This time round things are different. I'm just chilling and not so anxious about doing nothing. Though there is plenty of nothing to be had. Been shopping, mainly for other people and been to the beach a couple of times. There hasn't been much to see, in terms of local goods, but I'm still perving when the opportunity arises. The A&F stores seem to be the best so far. Perhaps that will change in NYC.

I'm kinda looking forward to San Francisco, somewhere 'new' on this trip. Time to get to the airport. Who knew one could spend a whole day on a plane...

Sun Sun Sun

2009-05-07T06:13:00.002+10:00

It's my second day here and the weather is great. Much warmer. Been to the gym this morning - it's funny because of two things, first it was almost 9am and I got there and there's actually people there - lots of people. Second, they charged me 15USD for the day - they don't do multisession cards. Back home, the gym is quiet at 9 except for soccer mums and a casual pass is like $7-8.

Anyway the rest of my trip is still unplanned, I'm yet to decide when exactly I'll head east and inland. I'm loving my hire car - though it's a piece of shite Chrysler Sebring convertible, handling is terrible and has massive body roll, has nothing on my TT.

Off to the mall and some more beach time.

Jetset

2009-05-05T09:40:00.003+10:00

I'm taking my annual leave now, just at the airport jetting off to the US of A for three weeks or so, flying into LAX Tuesday morning and having another unplanned trip!

In other news, I caught up with GD again over the weekend and then yesterday evening, things are looking good, I think we're still at the stage of identifying similarities which so far have been promising. I guess when I get back, I'll start to dig for the flaws... This whole thing has been a rather spontaneous and it's strange but I feel pretty comfortable with him already, we're on the same page and he's not typically what I'm attracted to.

I'm probably not going to think about it too much whilst I'm gone and I guess seeing as we're up to date #2, I'm free to be slutty whilst I'm state-side, though I doubt it will happen despite my overwhelming popularity (Ha!)

Unexpected

2009-05-03T23:01:00.001+10:00

I went out on Sat'day night (a week ago now) to meet someone, we'll call him AB (Airforce Boy), he actually sat down and sent me a long message online and seemed pretty decent and normal. So, we decided to cut to the chase and meet for coffee. I probably should have been a little concerned when he said he was going to meet his mate at a gay bar first but I thought what the hell? So he said he was going to message when he got into the city and organise a time. It got to almost midnight so I called and he had some issues with PT but was going to Taxi it - he offered to catch up another time, I was a bit tired but I wanted to just get it over with, there would be time to catchup later if we clicked.

So, he calls me to say he's going to the meat market and I'm thinking that it's starting to go down hill, but I stick at it and end up going there to meet him. It's freezing cold and I'm standing in the line, he's already inside and I call him. Whilst I'm waiting some people line up behind me, two guys and a girl, she starts pulling at the lanyard in my back pocket - it has my keys, we make small talk. Finally, AB comes out to meet me and he's wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt that looks about 2 sizes too small but accentuates his guns and waistline. He's definately too pink. I tell him I'll meet him inside cos it's cold out. One of the two guys chirps up and asks me if AB is Brazilian... and I tell him I don't know. I go back to minding my own and the guys behind me start talking about vaginas and free birth - I give them an inquisitive look. The second guy asks if I'm a doctor, I say yes and he says well, we're all gynaes (doctors). I laugh.

So it turns out one of them is gay, GD (Geeky Doctor) and the other two are straight and along for the ride. Anyhow, cut a long story short, I get in there, can't find AB, sent him a text to let him know where to find me - he doesn't, spent the rest of the night with GD and his friends. His straight friends hook up with each other and leave at 4, GD and I stay til 5 and I drove him home. We swapped numbers and arranged to catch up again.

My part

2009-04-19T21:19:00.002+10:00

Reflection is a part of my job and also a part of my life away from work. Yesterday evening I got home and thought about a patient I had seen during the day. This particular patient I wasn't 100% sure about, he wasn't really unwell, but had a problem that I couldn't quite put my finger on. So, I got home, still thinking about this and so I did some reading on the topic and after some consideration pulled out my mobile and texted my work colleague who was looking after him about what I thought should be the plan for the rest of the weekend. He seemed to agree. I could get on with the rest of my night without disruption/rumination.

After a night out on the town, I awoke quite late in the morning and snoozed til after midday. I was on the phone to OT about my boy troubles with SS. I wondered whether I was giving him the wrong signals or even no signals at all. What if I was in his position, would I be able to figure out if there was interest? Were there things that I did that suggested disinterest? I wondered whether the time I asked him out for coffee and didn't answer my phone for almost 30mins could have been interpreted as a 'stand up' or me inviting the beard to drinks and catch-ups when it could have been just the two of us...

The answer has evaded me thus far, but I guess I'm just keeping that thought in mind because I'm not overtly flirting with the guy and we haven't really talked about NYE since...

Parked

2009-04-14T02:08:00.004+10:00

So we're at the park with SS and my replacement beard (#2), just lying in the sun having a picnic/banter. SS gets up and says,

SS: I heard something about you from an unnamed source the other day
A: Really? (starting to look worried)
SS: Yes and it will surprise even you #2
A: Ahuh (now less worried)
SS: I heard that you said you wanted to live in the US because you fitted in better there
A: Ugh, is that all? I may have said that but it was out of context, your unnamed source is also an unreliable source.

And here I was thinking hey maybe SS had found out... but no.

Finishing

2009-04-12T15:14:00.003+10:00

So I was suppose to meet this guy last night for a drink. He lives a fair way away, 'the sticks' you could call it, but I'm trying to steer away from my rules and just be open to the possibilty. Anyway, so we started chatting online and I suggested we meet up. I prefer to do that pretty quickly because words online or on the phone give away little about the actual person. So, he says to come by in the evening and I tell him I'll call in the morning to organise a time. So after doing my own thing til early afternoon, I call and he says he's just cleaning up and getting stuff for dinner and that he'll call me later about the time. Fine. So I'm home doing some chores and it gets to about 8pm and he hasn't called, I know that it will take me a while to get there and I have no intention of staying over, so I call and I get no answer. So I give it an hour or so and still nothing. I'm getting tired and the prospect of driving isn't appealing. So I leave a message saying it's late, can you let me know what's the go... no reply. Eventually I use my better judgment and get to bed. Up until now. No reply, no call, nothing...

What is it about guys these days? No one ever says what they think or feel. They lack simple courtesy and manners. If he had doubts about meeting up, he could have either said so or made up some excuse about having plans or being sick or whatever but he's the one who suggested I come over... even if he was just too tired, a simple, sorry mate, I'm tired, can we reschedule? Boys need to go back to finishing school just like those 'ladettes' and learn to be a gentleman.

Perhaps also I brought this upon myself, I mean I'm suppose to be on a guy-free diet, but my beard says I'm the kind of person who goes on a diet and obsesses over the food. And she's right.

Whilst on the subject of dodgy guys, I get this impression about online dating, and I might be wrong but... it seems that the online dating pool contains a large populous of people who aren't all that interested in meeting people, almost paradoxically, they're online to meet Mr Right but aren't willing to meet and Mr's at all. Furthermore, most don't seem to understand the concept of a date, a simple meeting to get a feel for whether interactions are at the same level, for the type of humour, personality and manner. Profile descriptions are crap in generally and should be objective, the person looking is adding the subjective... people who write nothing present as nothing, if anything it demonstrates command of English language and writing style and often sense of humour.

They're right, I'm terrible at dieting, I promised I would stick to my diet and find other indulgences (that don't involving spending money) that divert me from the food.

GF? No, wife

2009-03-31T12:56:00.003+11:00

This week is shaping up to be pretty interesting. I'm chatting to this guy and not only is he married but in another state.

Why'd you add me, I ask. No idea, he says. Right.
So you've got a partner. Yes, her and I have threesomes with guys all the time. Okay.
Sorry, I'm really not into that. I wasn't offering. Okay, bye.

What's the world coming to ay?

Nowhere safe

2009-03-30T14:51:00.002+11:00

So, I'm at the carwash over the weekend getting my car done (lazy), and it's going to be a long wait, so I wander about before coming back to hang in the lounge, as I get in, I notice this guy sitting in the massage chair and he's got these rayban's on and nicely proportioned but in the background I see a car getting washed next to mine and it's a Mazda MX-5 (aka Hairdresser's car). I quickly take a look around and see no hairdressers nor any females, so I'm going with the car belongs to this guy who is probably pink.

Now me being a sucker for punishment, I take a seat on the couch and read the paper. I get this feeling that I'm being watched and sure enough he's checking me out. He gets out of the massage chair and sits opposite me. I watch cautiously as he seems to find something to say to me. Anyway, cutting a long story short, really short, he asks where i'm from yada yada and then notices my Aussiebum boxers and within a matter of minutes he's sitting beside me with his hand on my thigh...

What's the problem? Well, he told me he lives down the road and invited me over and guiltily, i considered it for half a second... the second problem is that well, okay, aside from him being alright looking and all, he only wanted to have his way with me... It might have been okay if he had said, 'let's go for a drink' or something to that effect, but inviting me over to his place was like a sure fire path to getting laid... I was not impressed.

The front

2009-03-20T23:36:00.003+11:00

The end of my first rotation is near. Looking back its been a hell of time. Finding my feet, learning on the run and trying to do the best for my patients.

There are however two weaknesses. Firstly, the emotional stuff, usually it's the young ones that get you, but for me, it's also the motor vehicle accidents. They just hit a nerve and I struggle to distance myself, especially if I am the treating doctor. Sometimes I don't have a choice, I'm the only one on, I can't handball it. Sometimes I force myself to see it, perhaps in the hope that it will desensitize me. It's never so bad that I can't function, it's usually the aftermath that's hard.

On a lighter note, my second weakness is cute boys, funny that eh? They turn up to the Emergency department and I get them to take off their shirt so I can examine. The problem is sometimes I get a bit too stimulated. I mean, come on, farm boys... makes it hard to focus. Always professional of course, but very distracting. I guess it's a skill I'll need to work on.

Roadtrip

2009-03-12T00:53:00.000+11:00

24hours to get out of town and back.

[Vrrrm]
[Brekky]
[Food in small portions]

2009-02-23T00:42:00.000+11:00

Just two this time.

[Source: Food]

[Fog + 110kmh]

Visually

2009-02-16T00:33:00.001+11:00

Muh week in pictures:

Off the radar

2009-02-14T22:30:00.003+11:00

It's been a good solid couple of week since I last posted anything. I've been heaps busy to say the least, it's been quite eventful the transition from the emergency room to the operating theatre but thankfully it's become quiet in the last week. Hence this opportunity to update.

So my crazy week in ED on night shift was most memorable; I blame this entirely on my registrar, I think bad things follow him. Anyway, so I had a psych patient who disemboweled himself and then doused himself in kero... a 6 yo boy with closed head injury, a lady I helped put into APO... a febrile neutropenic... and a whole bunch of chest pains, and yes, some of them were mine... most of the time tho, it's fairly protocol driven, we stablise them and then fly them out.

Gen surg I must say has been quite lackluster, I'm not a fan of bowels or anything much to do with them, we see plenty of hernias, laparotomies and gall bladders. That is run of the mill gen surg, definitely not my cup of tea, if this is the mundane then cross out gen surg, I want out. My last week has been pretty quiet, I've had the opportunity to chillax in my dorm for hours at a time... my working week is about 45 hours... average.

Being back home on the weekend has been fantastically tiring. After driving 3hours the last thing I want to do is head out on the town, but I do, and the next night too. Sunday comes round and I realise I either have to drive back in the evening or get up at 4.30am and drive then.

As much as I like the country, I think if it was just that little bit closer to home, I could do it more long term. The hospital and staff are great, there's some good places for food and drink in town and most importantly there's at least some handsome country guys around...

Job: satisfaction

2009-01-18T22:08:00.003+11:00

With the first week out of the way, I reflect and it's quite positive. I'm happy that I haven't killed anyone and I'm reasonably happy that I know what I'm doing. It's been a mixed bag, some serious stuff and some run of the mill crap. I've started off in the Emergency Room, which isn't quite as dramatic... well not all of the time, I find it rather satisfying when I do procedural work, whether that's inserting an IV/gelco, relocating a finger or stitching up a wound. The stuff I don't like, well, this might sound a bit strange but I don't really like thinking about the patient's problem (I'm reminded by a line from House of God; the patient is the one with the disease), I'm not medically inclined, I'm pretty good at making the diagnosis but unless there's a quick fix, I lose interest.

Apart from working, there's not much else going on, I'm living in a nice little one bedroom apartment, I've joined the guym to perv at the local country guys and I'm returning home for the weekends to catch my mates. Beyond that, work is life, and for now, I'm quite happy with that arrangement.

Smooth sailing

2009-01-07T22:18:00.003+11:00

So far so good. The week has unfolded nicely. I'm back in action with work, keeping me busy, just got some paperwork flying around that I need to direct, apart from that life is looking pretty rosy. SS and I have caught up a few times since NYE. Maybe it's in my head but he's different, it's like he's more comfortable around me. We still haven't spoken further on the event, but my beard reckons he's probably freaking out a bit over it; which is fine, I don't want to put pressure on.

I've yet to start packing for my secondment, but I'm kind of looking forward to the country air and a change of pace whilst I'm working there. It's probably a good thing for me to spend some time away from the fold, esp living by myself. Not that there won't be a shortage of opportunities for me to come up for some 'civilisation'. I'm lucky in that I have most weekends off from work.

From here on, there's a vague plan of attack, to work hard, minimise tax and save money for a place. Holiday in May to the US of A. Re-evaluate around mid-June.

2009

2009-01-02T16:06:00.001+11:00

Though today might be Friday and it's the second day of the new year, it feels just like an extension of the first. Having partied long into the morning and slept well into the next evening, I somehow got home, had a fever and a headache. I suppose it was all worth it.

Our NYE party was at an apartment in the city and with help from alcohol and weed (people seemed to think that this is what we meant by BYO), everyone was quite lubricated. My mate SS was rather friendly, slipping his hands down the back of my pants on a number of occasions and behaving rather suggestively... so, after a short phone call to my beard for some advice, I find myself in the lift lobby, sitting on a window sill with SS. Just the two of us and a Crownie. Our heads rest against each other, our noses touch and we're looking each other in the eye, I wait briefly for him to make the move and he doesn't, so I do. We start making out only to be interrupted by some people coming down the hallway for a better view of the city, once they're gone, we're back at it... pretty good for a straight boy...

As the party winds down, SS finds himself a comfy spot on the double bed. I kind of figured we'd be sharing a bed again. We crash early as our mates watch TV in the lounge and I must have dozed off because when I wake again SS is facing me and I can feel his breath on my face, I look up and realise he's awake. He surprises me by pulling my head closer and we're making out again. Its all quiet outside and I reckon everyone else has gone to sleep but still, I pull away and get up to close the door. When we resume he seems more desperate and his other hand finds its way into my pants again... I opt for a change of pace and explore his chest and abs. I noticed that he'd dozed off again and remembering how many times I'd been woken up by someone molesting me, I thought I'd give him a break. Besides, I'd rather him remember the experience.

The next morning/afternoon, he doesn't get up til after 1pm, he asks me 'did we make out?', I respond 'yes', 'wow, you're my first boy-kiss' and I ask 'was it good?' and he says 'yes' so I add 'well, I thought that might be the case seeing as it happened more than once'. After that not much else was said on the subject but we ended up snuggling up and sleeping through til 5.30pm. [So I lied, I'm not really over it.]

Rules of Engagement

2008-12-29T23:06:00.001+11:00

I went out to a birthday drinks on Saturday night. Nothing special, just revisiting the past - we went to this club-cum-bar that used to be popular night out back in first year of uni. I actually forgot that I was suppose to be going to this event, in fact I was in bed when I got a text reminding me around midnight - my friend (BC) told me that 'my crush' was still there (referring to SS).

When I got there, BC was quite sloshed, he was yelling, spittling when he talked and totally inappropriate. We got into the same realm of conversation that we always do, where he tells me he wants to have some fun and I tell him to fuck off (in a nice way). So, this all happens in the presence of other people and I'm hoping that they can't hear the details of our conversation but they probably can. It gets late and BC tells me that some of our friends are at this gay bar round the corner and we should go meet them. I agree seeing as we'll have some company (read: salvation).

So we get to the bar and dance a bit, drink a bit. In a long convoluted story, our female friend gives this random some money to buy BC a drink because BC always talks about having someone buy him a drink at a gay bar. To show his appreciation, BC grabs the guy and makes out with him. 10 mins later, standing at the bar, the guy comes back and says, 'I have a boyfriend, I'm gonna be in so much trouble'. There's nothing we can do but laugh...

The other guys are supposed to be taking BC home and I decide that I want to stay to see if I'll meet some new people. BC decides that since I'm staying he wants to stay too and wants me to drive him home. I swear in my head because my car has two seats, so that automatically means I can't pick up anyone even if I wanted to. BC guilt trips me because it's his birthday and I begrudgingly agree. It was all fine until the going home part. Oh and I forget to mention his wisecrack about it being his birthday and wanting a 'present' from me - another 'fuck off' moment.

As we get into the car, the interrogation begins, he asks about me having a secret boyfriend and doesn't believe me when I deny it. He rattles on about how he thinks I like guys more than girls (no shit Sherlock). Then proceeds to ask if I have fuck buddies and why I don't and I'm beginning to get annoyed. BC considers me a friend but the feeling isn't mutual, he's a colleague and we have mutual friends. I don't consider him close enough for us to be having a conversation about my sex life or lack thereof. I know that it's mostly my fault because I should make this entirely clear to him. Beyond him talking about his experiences with guys, we don't actually have much in common, I don't know if he realises this yet.

At the end of the day, I don't really know what bothers me more, the fact that he wants in my pants and we have these 'conversations' or that we have these 'conversations' when he is drunk & loud in public...

Beyond

2008-12-13T18:19:00.003+11:00

I'm so over guys. I'm over life. Nice guys come last. I was D&M-ing with my beard last night about how woeful my life is right now. I realised that I'm spending way too much time being everything to everyone and nothing to myself. I was more than a little disappointed that karma hadn't come back to me, that I was in fact wasting my life on things that didn't matter. I think it's pretty common knowledge that life has no meaning or purpose - it's something you have to find or make for yourself whether that's religion, cult or extremist. I found my purpose, it's to make someone elses life better in any way that I can. But I'm left wondering, what about me? Am I ignoring my own needs or being idealistic in thinking that karma will lead someone else back to me...

People often come as a package. They're allocated a number of points to use in different domains of self. Some people are hot, but are brainless. Some people are all rounders. You get the idea. None of it is without some self input mind you. People just work on different domains. I guess, the root (haha) of my current 'problem' is guys. Now, I'm quite conscious of the fact that even if I do find another Mr Right, my 'problems' may not disappear, they may in fact multiply; because one event isn't the solution. My beard suggested I look inwardly rather than outwardly for the answer - which is rather wise because there's a latin phrase I wrote down recently "Animum debes mutare, non caelum" that kinda says just that. Inwardly, I know that I'm trying to replace something lost. I know that that is impossible to replace. But yet outwardly, that is what I'm doing, whether that's materially or otherwise (changing my sky).

A wish list of a million adjectives to describe someone, doesn't mean a thing if you don't feel it. I'm annoyed because people don't get to feel it unless they are in your presence. To get to that stage, someone has to indicate interest or intent. Maybe I expect too much of people to ask that they go out on a limb but to me, that risk is minimal if you've done your ground work. If you communicate & enquire, you'll find out enough to know that the risk you take is minimal, before you take it. I'm reminded by my beard that all it takes is one. You only need one. I'm never in doubt of my own heart, that's why I don't chase.

So in summary, I have a vacancy for Mr Right, I'm quite deluded in the possibility that he will find me & pursuit me (because the ones who like you, you don't like back), that he will be a gentleman who is articulate and sensible (complete shortage of those), and that he will be attractive to me and no-one else (because who wants to share?!)...

Reflection

2008-12-04T09:31:00.000+11:00

This week away has been many things, a chance to hang out with my mates and try and chillax a little. I did both these things but I also learnt some things about myself and my mates in close quarters. The first thing is that I don’t do well living with other people, I’m very particular about the world around me; some call that anal, but whatever. I also like my sleep, so sleeping in the loft section of the house with my str8 mate SS wasn’t the best of ideas. The rest of the guys wanted to stay up late and drink and watch movies and play music; me, I just wanted to sleep and do nothing on the beach, preferably in the daylight hours.

Anyway, during our stay, the neighbours called the cops because of the loud music; I wasn’t really a part of it, it was midnight – on that note, you should always go around to your neighbour and tell them before you call the cops (IMHO). Then about 4 hours later, with the volume at half, the neighbour knocks on the door and tells them to turn it off. I’m half asleep by this time – it’s 4.30am! So they get all whingey and I, in my dazy moogyness wonder how I became friends with such inconsiderate doctors… what the hell happened? And they tell me I’m being antisocial and weird – actually the latter may be true but I consider myself pretty normal for wanting to sleep before 2am every night; holidays or not.

The other part about myself is that I don’t deal well with holidays, I had this sense of déjà vu. It was like my first week in SD, I was lost, I didn’t have a purpose. This last week, I’ve had nothing going on, at all, really. I’m not used to that, it gives me time to dwell about all the things that aren’t quite right in life and I end up all blue. I need to work, to be busy, to be occupied. I completely understand the people who throw themselves into work. It’s a great distraction for everything else that goes on around me. Muh mates don’t understand that, I can’t make them understand that. There’s also other things that you can’t just tell them, esp SS whom I’ve shared a bed with all week. He asks ‘what’s wrong?’ and all I can say is ‘nothing’, when really it’s ‘nothing I feel comfortable telling you about’.

Drunkeness was a rather big part of the week, not for me, I must say, I’m quite over the inebriation, it doesn’t make me feel any better. With the early nights, I quite often snoozed through many a conversation, perhaps some that I wasn’t meant to hear, but I’m always interested in what muh mates have to say about me in a frank manner. So the last night whilst the guys were polishing off bear and BC was talking to SS about ‘experimentation’, he let slip that he wasn’t the only one here that experimented – now, I’ll preface this by saying that BC doesn’t know as much about my life as say, my beard. SS was like intrigued and asked what he meant and BC said that I had messed around, SS asked with whom and whether it was with my colleagues. BC continues by explaining that he had offered himself to me on multiple occasions and that I had turned him down – true. Then SS asks why me… I’m pretty awake at this point. BC says have you seen him? His body and build; I’d kill to be like that… and I’m pretty in love with myself but that… and I tune out because I’m rather puzzled, it’s all too much info to absorb; did he actually say that?... should I be flattered or annoyed that he told SS about my misadventures. Anyway, SS stated that if he were to experiment, he would with one of his other mates (who happens to be married)... He crawls into bed for the last night and I realise that I'm not really all that interested in SS any more, not like that.

IR

2008-12-02T18:31:00.000+11:00

[this was meant to be up whilst I was away]
The media may still be hyping on about the crisis in the health care system but so far this hasn't prompted any government action. Victorian doctors are the lowest paid doctors in the country and not only that they experience the poorest working conditions. Now most lay people thing that being a doctor is all fine and dandy and you earn a lot of money and it's respectable and noble blah blah blah. But the reality is that the juniors don't make a lot of money for the hours they work, they have to deal with the shit from all directions and get exploited by the hospital system.

In my part time job, I get paid for every hour I work, I get a meal break to sit down and switch off, I get paid my overtime and I don't have to ask my supervisor to approve it. In fact, in my part time job, I'd actually earn on par as a full timer without the responsibility. Ask any intern whether they have that luxury.

So, why do it? Because we get into health care to make other peoples lives better, we all have altruistic motives, those who are 'in it for the money' have chosen the wrong profession. It's part of the way we grow into the profession, our moral and ethical composition that makes it hard to go home at 5.30pm if you have an unwell patient, to hand over a task to another doctor, to leave it until tomorrow. Unfortunately this is where the hospital exploits us, overtime must be approved my your unit head, that same person who writes your reference for future employment and then maybe the payroll will pay it.

The other area of neglect is teaching, just because we finish med school doesn't mean we don't need to continue learning and upskilling. This may not be such an issue in the early years but when you're in a training program and you have exams to pass and more importantly patients to manage - protected education time is invaluable.

The path ahead, where to from here. Well the simply reality is that if hospitals abided by the current EBA agreement and paid their doctors and improved working conditions - that in itself would be a monumental shift in culture and probably worth more than the 5% pay rise the government is refusing to agree on.

how to shit me

2008-11-22T00:23:00.003+11:00

I fail to understand what goes on in other peoples heads. I wish I knew. It's funny that they say it's easier being a guy who likes other guys because you know how they think. Clearly I don't. I get online now and again, guys send me messages indicating some level of interest, often giving me an email addy to correspond. Now comes the bits that shit me.

1) When giving an email/msn/phone number it does help if you actually respond to the person when they do attempt to contact you. Otherwise why did you give it out?!
2) When contacting new people, you should try and remember who the fuck they are - unless you've been a spambot and tried your luck on every single man out there, in which case I am no longer interested.
3) When engaging in a conversation with a new contact, it does help to act interested in them to some degree - that requires that you ask questions about them and answer in more than one word responses - now if by chance you don't like the new contact you have made, it could be so much easier saying 'no thanks' than acting like a jackass.

Here endeth the lesson. ARRRRGH.

the culture

2008-11-19T21:21:00.004+11:00

Guys online have an interesting way of summarizing themselves. Some write incredibly short prose that really says nothing about anything. Others write a whole spiel. What's most common is the section that says I'm so wonderful, talented, brilliant and totally the right guy for you - in the most generic way of course. I stop to think that, maybe, just maybe if that were true... shouldn't this person have found someone already? I mean they just said how wonderful they are and if there are multiple people who describe themselves as such, they should hook up...

After the paragraph about ones self, comes the part about the prospective man. This is often characterized by the lines: I'm here to have fun, or fun times, preferably a regular fuck-buddy and if you are somewhat compatible with me, I might just let you in emotionally and we could have 'more'... WTF is all that about?

It would seem that I'm somewhat deluded in thinking that the act of courting someone is still practiced, but maybe it just doesn't really happen much in the pink world. It's more like, show me what you can do in bed and then if I like it enough, we can start getting to know each other in a more 'intimate' fashion... Am I the only one who thinks that it's rather bizzare?

Then after all that, there's still something missing; the flaws. Now maybe I have this all wrong and people don't really want to know the flaws of their prospective partner... but that's where the dating (as opposed to fucking) comes in. You find out all this info before you even have to stick your dick into the shit. Ok. I've said enough.

Ur So Gay

2008-11-14T22:56:00.000+11:00

And you don't even like boys!!!

So, it came to the end of the week and I was still dying to know what's the deal is with this registrar. If I could describe him simply, I would say Jack McFarland (Will & Grace). Everything screamed pink. The floral patterned shirts, the preened look and the voice and manner.

It came to the end of the week and we had some social functions, I probed to enquire about his attendance, but by that stage of the week, I had my doubts about his pinkness. Metroism can still fall into heteroism. So I had a chat to him and I didn't get the vibe from him... thus I concluded one of two things. 1) he is not gay 2) he is not interested in me.

The afternoon of drinks resulted in him bringing this girl who happened to also be a registrar and tutor. The rumour was that they were a couple and were seen holding hands. I needed a little bit more concrete information. I mean really, they could just be like me and my beard. After chatting about various 'career' and 'political' matters, the truth came out from the horses mouth and she indeed was going out with him, much to everyones surprise I might add. For it wasn't only me who thought he was 'Jack' but about half our class.

Fin

2008-11-10T21:42:00.003+11:00

It's the last week before summer break. I've been trying to reconcile my existence somewhat and consolidate before Xmas so that things will be easier in the new year. I'm probably getting ahead of myself but really if the Xmas decorations are on sale, I think it's free reign.

So, last week, I traded the Bimmer in, owning two cars was just ridiculous and I really didn't like the petrol consumption on it - that said it was a really swish car but just not me; too pretentious and not low key at all. Per this post, I decided on the TTQR, in perfect time for summer (yes, a little bit pretentious but goes faster!). The next job is to sell the veedub and invest/save the money, so that next year, I can buy a pad.

Today was quite busy, meeting all my colleagues whom I haven't seen over the course of the last few years. For the first time in a while, I just lay on the grass in the sun, chatting with muh mates and having lunch, pretty carefree. There was also a Doc I spotted, he's a medical registrar probably about 27, I'm pretty sure he's pink going on the sound of his voice and his attire, he's more cute than hott, slightly shorter than me tho... but hey, I reckon I'll try and get a date out of it and see where it goes...

I do... not

2008-11-02T12:25:00.000+11:00

'for as long as you both shall live' that's a long time to have to put up with someone. I went to a wedding yesterday, one of my work colleagues from THIS story, well she (LL) married the guy. I got invited in a roundabout way, because I worked with both BB and LL. I ended up going as BB's date for the night.

The ceremony and reception was held at a winery, pretty simple white and cream, turn out really well and the food was pretty awesome. The whole process however was rather disheartening, listening to the preamble, the vows, not having an opportunity to object, then later listening to the speech about how he loved her so much and was such a nice guy yada yada ya... he (JJ) even said she looked really beautiful and had 'reached her peak' - gawd I wanted to deck him right then. Parts of the various speech held true, like her being too good for him... it was a rather mellow experience for BB and I.

I guess you can't intervene too much with these things, people have to make their own choices. Love is blind. Thankfully friends tend to last longer than relationships.

Daft

2008-10-27T23:20:00.002+11:00

About a week ago, I was on the phone with this american boy (yes, I know, here we go) from Utah. Yes he indeed was raised LDS, but actually in Idaho; which is farming country for the most part. We chatted for about 20mins, I think it was probably on my day off work because timing phone calls is pretty hard during the working hours. He was over at a friends place, so I asked whether it was a good time to talk, to which he said yes. So after that time of talking about random stuff he said he had to go. There was no 'speak later' or 'call me again'. So I just assumed that he wasn't all that interest and left it at that.

A week later, I get a mail message saying 'It has been over a week since I have talked to you so I thought I would send you a message and say hi.'

I stared at the screen, slowly a grin appeared on my face. Perhaps I was wrong.

M.O.

2008-10-22T19:05:00.003+11:00

My online modus operdani:
*I spend more time blocking people than I do finding them.
*I rarely send friend requests on myspace or facebook; people can request me.
*I prophylacticly block people I'm not into, just in case they think about contacting me
*If I'm not interested I always send an automated reply
*If I fancy someone I'll let them know without messaging them
*I enforce my deal breakers when browsing
*No info says to me 'no brain' or 'not interested'; both of which aren't appealing
*Attraction is paramount; there's gotta be something that jumps out
*Chatrooms are like online washrooms; same shit different smell
*Trust the instinct

2008-10-22T18:54:00.001+11:00

Today's words:

Fucktard
Whorebag
Cuntfeatures
Fuckface

*breath out*

medschoolies

2008-10-15T21:56:00.005+11:00

[Home to surf labels]
It's that time of year with only a few short months to go before we kick it and graduate and throw our hats in the air and avoid serious head injuries... so the guys & I have decided to have one last hurrah as a crew and spend a week out on the coast together in a house. The plan came about about six months ago but only recently became a serious (time) issue. We decided on a classy surf beach, somewhere where there will hopefully be fewer schoolies - and if not, at least some legal and hott ones - gosh I see a fantasy playing out...

Anyhow, the plan really consists of tanning on the beach, learning to surf & bonfire drinking nights. Already there's talk of how many bottles of spirits each member should bring - I shudder at the thought of that first shot, but it gets easier after that - so potentially we can economize with a couple of slabs as a chaser. And of course food wise, what else but a good ol' BBQ minus the 'shrimp' - someone is allergic to seafood.

So the remaining problem really is finding a nice place to rent out for this period of time; most owners being wary of schoolies and the aftermath... It's pretty much a waiting game to see which agent accepts us. Then the games begin.

drunken ketchup

2008-10-12T21:09:00.003+11:00

I had the pleasure of chatting with muh mate from New York this evening. He was just getting home from a night out (Melbourne style he says) returning at 4am with something greasy. Unfortunately the attractions for the night didn't seem appealing to him and myself too. Offers for a threesome and a number of guys to go home with don't float the boat no more. People say there's a transition from megaslut to ready to settle, some people find it earlier than others but I was never much interested in megaslut; unless you call that my experimenting days when I was finding myself - i can count those with my hands. Muh mate just split with his long term bf of 3 years, so I can understand wanting rebound sex but also just wanting some time off. I wonder whether we're just programmed to want a relationship or whether it's a fancy construct to justify our existence. It seems pretty obvious that the club scene is jus for fun but where do you go out when you need to start over?

Today, I watched this couple (teenagers) at the park, kicking ball; I was walking my puppy. They seemed about 16 and they were all lovey-dovey and holding hands - it was rather familiar and also strange to me. I vaguely recall doing that some time ago in the very distant past but recently it hasn't meant anything to me (cos i do that with my beard - works wonders on the rumour mill). It's like the rituals of the hetero world that are somehow applied to everyone - you don't get taught to do it, it comes naturally. This flies in the face of the animal theory that males are just around to procreate; funnily enough i think homo falls into this category too. Why do we form relationships unlike the animal world? The failure rate would seem to suggest that maybe we shouldn't be so hasty... and if we didn't perhaps all the people who wanted to 'play house' would pair off leaving the sexaholics...

Pet hate #562

2008-10-09T00:27:00.003+11:00

Online profiles which use a pseudonym ending in an age related number.
Why? Because (a) they've chosen an age when the joined up and as you look at it they are possibly 10 years older or (b) when using year of birth, they lied to make themselves appear younger or older.

The other part is the use of terms such as 'sxc' & 'boi' in said username. 'hawt/hot' is also high up on that list, along with 'cute'.

I don't know about everyone else but the use of such terms to describe oneself seems a bit self indulgent... whether it's true or not (disappointing when not), a little modesty goes a long way.

3

2008-09-30T21:55:00.004+10:00

Today was my first day back on the horse. I'm currently in the private sector which gives me access to some pretty spesh people, esp with the end of the footy season... so today we had an AFL player in but he was a bit on the old side, apparently I missed the Hawks on Monday.

Anyway, so I saw a bunch of hotties but each just seemed typically unavailable to me; perhaps I needed 'homo' tattooed on my forehead. The first for the morning was a rep from smith+nephew; he was promoting some prosthesis, really friendly and quite chummy with me - for some reason the conversation ventured to nasal deliver spray for P/E and how it was expensive - turns out he used to be a pharmaceutical rep too... anyhow, the boy had a cute smile and we kept staring at each other - this one I'll file away for next week.

The consulting half of the day proved to be somewhat better, with some youngish athletic types... makes it very hard not to stare and not to get busted. It wasn't til the end of the day when I spot this guy in reception, dressed really smart and professional looking; turns out he's a former doctor... now triathlete... gah... what's worse is he's married. Dang it. Where's the justice?

back 2 1

2008-09-24T18:57:00.004+10:00

[I left my mark in SD, hope that's not vandalism]
I'm home and back into the swing of things, well as far as my sleeping habits go, that, probably was the easiest part. The hardest part is where to put all the shit that I bought whilst OS. I have the fortune of having my extended family visiting me until next week, so my mindless extra week off will instead consist of family entertainment. Catching up with muh mates has probably been the best part of the going away experience, some== much juicy news to tell.

Things are pretty good. I'm happier just being singular. I have a decent job lined up for next year. My puppy still remembers who I am. I took the plunge and started dance classes.

The rest of the year is going to be relaxed. It's time to let go of one of my cars. Start studying for the USMLE. Keep in touch with my new found American boys and spend heaps of time with muh mates before we all get stuck into the rat race.

a boy (2)

2008-09-17T15:06:00.002+10:00

So I called him the next day. He didn't answer but returned my call. He was up and about by the sounds around him. I was relieved. He was off to work for a few hours. I ask about the other party and he surprised me. He drove straight home after he left me. I smiled. We haven't spoken much since, but I think we're okay, actually I spoke to him whilst I was coming back on the Coronado Ferry. Turns out someone had stolen his car today to go joy riding and wrote it off. It's funny how shit just happens.

Home by the weekend...

a boy

2008-09-16T15:09:00.002+10:00

He was pissed off his nut and insisted on driving, he couldn't stand straight and was slurring his words, I tried to get his keys, but to him it was a game, I stuck my hand thru the window and set off the car alarm. It surprised even myself. He got mad, really annoyed at the scene i'd caused in front of someones house party. I didn't feel too bad however. I stood in front of the drivers door whilst he willed me to go. To be honest I was waiting for him to deck me. At least then I had a reason to walk away.

He finally pushed passed and told me to grab my stuff. I had no intention of letting him drive me, but I didn't want him to drive himself, life is too precious to let history repeat itself. So I guess I couldn't win this one. A guy calls out from the window 'don't get in, catch a cab'. Kudos. I walked probably two blocks east and sat in the gutter, wondering what to do next, whether I should let it go and close the book. Easy option.

I heard his car revv in the distance, being a VW boy the sound was unmistakable. I thought maybe he would go back to the club, but the sound drifted and I knew he was driving. I walked to the corner and could see the red brake lights pulled over one block south. I looked at the house and it was like they were waiting to see what I would do. I ran. I ran to his car. He was sitting there; I couldn't tell the expression on his face in the darkness, I was puffed and I think he spoke first asking 'why did you chase after me?' I answered without a thought 'because I care about you'. His eyes became glazed. My first thought was 'great you made the boy cry'. I reached my hand into the car and placed it on his neck, like I had numerous times before. He got teary and said 'no one's ever chased me before'. I didn't know what to say to stop this from turning into a soap opera... So I said 'i know this doesn't make sense but I care about you, you're smart and funny and I don't want to see you get hurt'.

He dries up and starts backing up the car, he says 'alot of people say that to me', I ask whether he's going to the other party and offer to drive him. He declines, I know that I've lost. I stand up and pull my head out of the window. He pulls me in for a kiss and says call me tomorrow... he drives off and I wonder whether I'll see him again.

Confused again

2008-09-11T12:25:00.002+10:00

[Gosh I love muppets! It was a great show!]
[Yer, XANADU, Aussie accents at their worst, Cheyenne is hot!]
Seems like most guys perplex me...

Dancing with some random, he grabs me, but then when I move closer he says, 'I don't kiss...'

Boy says, text me tomorrow, then in response says lets do something on the weekend, but doesn't reply to organise anything, then asks how my weekend was afterwards.

Guy tries to pick me up at a bar, gets my number, leans in to kiss and I move away (because 2 mins is too soon) and then he disappears with his wingman. Sends me a text to say 'u r hot'. Great.

Guy says 'it's okay, we're not going out, you don't have to do stuff with me' then gets jealous when I catch up with another guy for dinner... yer.

I figured out my problem (ok, ok, one of) and it's this: I hate doing the chasing... it works fine when I do, but then I guess I'm left in doubt of where the other person's heart is. Insecure? Yes. Natural? Probably.

So what does this mean? Well, I've been thinking and it reminds me of the line from Shortbus "I need to love everybody" - the false epiphany... but for me perhaps its more "I want to be needed" which is different to just being 'wanted'.

Same Same

2008-08-28T15:28:00.003+10:00

[@Balboa Theatre, SD]
Maybe I'm just unpolished but to me a Broadway production doesn't seem to be much more fancy than a student theatre production with the exception of a name and a bigger budget...

Storyline was good; even though I wiki'd it to figure out whether I was going to see it or not.

Beached

2008-08-25T18:32:00.003+10:00

I've been going to the beach pretty regularly whilst I've been here, the temps about 25'c on average which is just nice. I guess from observation, I'd say there aren't that many cute boys around this area... well, they're at least out numbered by larger bikini clad women.

I think perhaps amongst the all-american-boy image there's actually just a lot of regular guys around... or I'm just in the wrong place. The other thing I have trouble coping with is the height challenged. I had this expectation that boys would be taller here. I'm 5'11 ish and just about everywhere I go, I see over heads. It totally sucks when clubbing cos I prefer my guys same or taller. Call me superficial but that's how I like my men.

I've been fortunate enough to meet some locals here and hung out and gone clubbing with them. They seem quite fond of just listening to an Aussie speak; I'm happy to oblige. I'm getting closer to getting my 'mental real estate' in order - i like that term. Its good to just zone out from the crap back home, I still haven't gone bezerk with the camera or the postcards but maybe tomorrow!

SD

2008-08-22T18:05:00.004+10:00

[Yer I saw Ida Corr; slam the door song...]
So right now I'm sitting in my hotel room in downtown San Diego... having been here for a week it's been a rather enlightening experience and yes, that is a euphemism. They say travel can be an emotional experience, I guess moreso travelling by oneself across the globe where your mates are just out of convenient reach. It started out as just this spontaneous lets go on a journey and has ended up being a challenge for me dealing with feelings and experience I wanted to keep in the past.

SD however is quite beautiful, it's nice and warm here, the main reason I am here actually. I've walked heaps, to just about everywhere and I'm doing the tour of beaches and shopping. I've also been out clubbing and had a pretty good time, for the scene on the outset isn't quite so camp or dramatic and I find I can quite manage to hold my own in a club without knowing anyone to begin with. That however does have a downside with me acquiring a 'stalker' as it were. You know when you indicate to someone that you're just not interested but they don't 'get' it... like when they move in for the kiss and you turn away or break it off real quick... or like how you move away and kiss some other guy... well... anyway hopefully it'll sink in for this guy. Lesson learnt.

I guess I've reassured myself that yer, I can go out and get what I want - but I guess in someways that was never the real problem. It was more being sure that I wanted it in the first place.

Well, best be going, oh and when they said there are less fat people here in Cali... well they lied... if you ever go to the beach, bring something to shield your eyes and a vomit bag.

Bonds short

2008-08-11T21:05:00.000+10:00

Something to be said about a guy taking of his clothes...

Cue

2008-08-08T22:38:00.001+10:00

Care or treatment?

2008-08-03T23:12:00.003+10:00

I used to like my weekends, once upon a time, even when i was working, but somewhere along the way, I lost interest. This weekend was particularly busy. I had a couple of oldies with problems and was realistically under staffed to deal with it.

One of my oldies had gross pitting oedema of both her legs up past her knees and on Thursday, someone tried to put some TEDS on her and burst her skin causing a tear and lots of fluid to be released onto the floor. Anyhow, the doc came to see her Sat'day morning and added some Lasix on to help offload her fluid, 20mg, which is a really pissy dose to give - she was previously on this and still had swollen legs. So, Sat'day night her legs dripped fluid across the floor, into the bathroom and the bed and I thought this is crazy, this is not an acute care facility. Called the family and discussed the pros and cons of going to hospital and they thought she'd get better care here despite access to better treatment in hospital. I was torn, knowing that yes, she could get better treatment in hospital, but was likely to be ignored and have a meal left in front of her that she couldn't eat or be sitting in a bed all day waiting for an extra blanket... plus the usu risk of infection, DVT etc.

So what was the better option... when you're 90 does it really matter all that much if your legs are fat and you're dripping bodily fluids? Probably not. On the one hand, not knowing anything, I would have said oh... there's nothing much we can do except elevate... but knowing that there's probably more options means I come home feeling bad because maybe we should be doing more.

Back to Sat'day night, I called a locum to see her and her daughter came in as well. I finished before the doc arrived but I called in when I got home from late coffee and the nurse on says, oh they didn't do anything really... I got in this afternoon and discover that the locum has requested a stat dose of lasix and the usu heart failure/fluid monitoring procedures - then I realised that in fact none of this had been actioned... so aside from being rather peeved I wondered, is the care really that good? I can't walk away and hope someone will follow up the loose ends. I'm beginning to worry about what will happen when I go on vacation for six weeks...

Gutless

2008-07-29T23:10:00.002+10:00

My pet hates episode #438

How hard is it to tell someone your not interested?
This guy msgs me and leaves an email address, when we chat he asks for a photo and then after a few minutes doesn't respond. Now, to me that says, I was interested but actually now that I've seen your photo, I'm not. Which is completely fine, not everyone is attracted to everyone else (boy would that be a problem) but seriously, at least have the balls to say hey, actually, I'm not interested. C*nt.

It's easy enough on those personals sites, you just click the automated reply, which takes two seconds. I personally have never received one... that said, I've never really msg'd any one...

And whilst trawling through profiles, I've refined and simplified my criteria:
1. Guys who look like guys
2. Guys who act like guys
3. Guys who like other guys

Simple really.

Ontrack

2008-07-24T22:49:00.002+10:00

Seems like everything is back on track again, fingers crossed.
'new' car, joined roadside assist, apparently I just flooded the engine; I thought that didn't happen with new cars, but apparently it does - lesson - don't move car <10m and switch engine off.

'old' car, bought a window clip repair kit, cost $110, labour 2hrs, replaced the clip in the cold cold weather, window works a treat, now warm - lesson - don't slam door with window down in a car with known window problem.

Got a job offer for next year, which I'm neither thrilled nor upset about, not my top 3 choices but such is the luck. Still awaiting interstate offers. Additional downside to potential job is lack of novated leasing which is available at other hospitals... grrrr.

Found out that the K.Rudd changes to salary packaging rules re: laptop computers don't affect me because my macbook was purchased prior to May 13 2008, thus I can claim it! W00t!

Everything wrong

2008-07-20T23:51:00.003+10:00

Shitty weekend. My 'new' car won't start, even thought it was fine Friday night; I'd hazard a guess that the fuel pump died. Drove my 'old' car and the window broke; doesn't come back up because the clips failed, luckily the glass didn't break. Time for a new car I think. Thinking...

Hurdles

2008-07-18T21:43:00.003+10:00

Another week gone by. I've had a couple of things on my mind. As far as work goes, I'm aggravated by the way patients are managed on the general medical unit - the lack of progression due to red tape and gatekeepers. Apart from that, I'm still on the hunt, and today was just one of those days where you see someone multiple times and then think hey, he's not bad looking, but is it enough? I wondered whether i would feel the same if this guy was behind the check out at Nandos or something? Am i lowering my standard of physical appearance because it is compensated by brains and personality? It's a funny thing you see, I had this on my mind all of this morning...(and then was wondering at the gym whether I am the only one who thinks about this shit?) do I find less-hot guys in the hospital setting more attractive because they've got brains? I couldn't quite come up with a verdict but I assumed this to be true.

Later today, I visited some old work colleagues and I ran into the masseuse that I've worked at different places with, for some reason we keep crossing paths. Anyway, he's prob late 20s and he's pretty hot, plays footy, gives a good massage, but today I thought I'd pick his brains a little... and was plesantly surprised. So, he's thinking about going back to uni to study Physiotherapy, so that he has some more secure job prospects (Prev note about physios being hott applies)... The question, did that make him more appealing than before... answer: Yes.

On a different subject, I've had this conversation about when people get hitched in the medical profession and the consensus seems to be at three key points in the career pathway:
1. Prior to Internship
2. Prior to entering a training program
3. After finishing a training program
Now, according to anecdotal evidence, the majority fall into (1) with a decreasing number in the other two groups... why is this relevant? Well, the longer you progress the higher your chances of being single.

Online

2008-07-13T23:48:00.002+10:00

I ventured back into cyberland tonight seeing as I was a bit bored and thought that maybe things might have changed. Alas, no, everything is exactly how I'd left it. I logged into my profiles one by one to read the rubbishy messages and look at the crusty wink/nudge/poke/track that was left behind. I even thought I'd run a few searches to see who was new or pseudo-new or new to the city (prob having fucked everyone from their prev hometown)... cynical I am.

So this is it I'm thinking. I fall into the same problem, guys I like don't like me, guys that like me I don't like. The more I see the more I am dissatisfied. All these 'bois' with no direction, no goals, no plans, no ambitions - just working in retail and trying to outdo the next guy with whacked out hairstyles and uber tight clothes... and I'm not saying it's not okay to want that but that isn't what I want. On the other end of the spectrum are the reclusive, socially retarded ones who live in cyberland and spend their life playing online games and hide behind a computer screen. Where is everyone in between?

I feel like I'm led to believe that as you get older, the chances of you finding someone who hasn't been tainted by this flaming homo rubbish gets smaller and smaller until one day you realise that in fact it is what you've become... Of the guys I've dated, most were pretty normal, one was exceptional, that's a hard act to follow, wondering whether you'll ever meet someone who rocks your world as much as someone you've lost.

It's not the end of the world though. If I ever get that desperate, I have plenty of fall back positions, there's the crusty old men that message me, there's being an escort and there's also buying a russian bride... but as my beard always says there's "being alone forever"

Got guts?

2008-07-10T21:45:00.003+10:00

So since I've been back in town I've tried to go to the gym more regularly, like every second day, so far so good. The first day I went back, I walked in and there's this young looking guy, must be new, I'm thinking. My gym is small, now that I'm on hiatus from FitnessFirst. So, we make eye contact and I get the impression that may be he's checking me out. Naturally, shields up, I look away and pretend I'm not interested and have this blank expression on my face whilst I'm actually thinking about spotting him whilst he's doing bench press, with my crotch at close proximity to his face...

Nothing much has happened, my timing has been all over the place, so often he's finishing when I'm starting or he's not there at all. Today, I went in a bit earlier than usual and he comes in as I'm finishing up. He looks over again and we make eye contact, I have my headphones on as usual but nothing, maybe I should pull em off and say something, he hovers by the bench press and I'm thinking who's gonna make the first move, say Hi or maybe Can you spot me? but again nothing... there's a few people around so maybe it's a bit too awkward, but I guess sooner or later one of us will say something... it seems like I'm the antisocial one since jus about everyone else at the gym seems to chitchat....

Postponed

2008-07-08T21:44:00.000+10:00

After all that spontaneous hype, I've postponed my trip, just for a month, but I had to move hell and earth to get there. Why? Well... it could have been about a boy. You see, this boy that I quite fancy wants to meet me but I really cannot gauge the intensity of that attraction, I mean at a distance it's all nice and fancy but when it comes to the crunch...

Anyway, I had told him that I was planning a trip a while back and at present it is summer break, so I thought yer this will be a good time, he on the other hand had said wait til a bit later when school starts and I'll have more time early in the school year. So, I just took that as apprehension and personally, I thought that spending that much time upfront in close proximity might not work out so well. So, on a bit of a whim and guilt-tripping from my mates, I booked flights to go.

Yesterday, I get a message saying, well, i can't really see you because I'm at home with my dad and his family and I'm not ready to deal with questions about you and i'll be uncomfortable. He then goes on to say that I planned this without him and he felt like his feelings didn't matter... So, maybe he is a little bit right. I did plan this without him on the assumption that he was just nervous but he never mentioned the family being an issue and I never asked. On the other hand, surely if a guy is serious about meeting me, he should have the balls to just catch up for coffee or dinner... even if it is just once... am I wrong to expect that much?

So, with difficulty, I reorganized my life for the next month and managed to get things to run smoothly. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just too nice about things, am I just willing to accommodate and let everyone else steer?; my alter ego said fuck that, just go and don't see him, meet some new people and go clubbing but I'm comfortable with what I know...

Gone

2008-07-01T17:08:00.001+10:00

I'm leaving on a JET plane, don't know when I'll be back again!

Off to the states in a week, sunny LA & San Diego and probably the rest along the way.

Might just find myself a boy!

Looking beyond

2008-06-17T18:57:00.002+10:00

So, I've been thinking about working interstate for a while, part of me wants a sea-change, to meet new people, to come out of my shell a bit, find my feet and maybe get a different view of the populous. I'm thinking of somewhere warm, beachy and quiet... but there's also another motivation, I have some mates in this other state and a potential bf who likes to surf. It'll probably a temporary thing, maybe a year or two... but I think it'll be a good experience.

As far as career options, well, it probably doesn't make a difference, I'm keen to get some hands on experience, learn some anatomy and sit my USMLE exams... that's a lot to cover in the next year and I suppose if I'm in a quiet town, there will be less distractions.

Verdict in two months.

Life choice

2008-06-13T14:20:00.001+10:00

Lifes short. Sometimes you have these moments when you meet patients and you realise that it could easily be you. I had this kid come in early this week, had a viral cardiomyopathy about a year ago and is now on a VAD. I mean it's crazy to think that one minute you'll be okay and the next you've got some piece of machinery pumping blood through your body and keeping you alive. Worse still I have a patient who's VAD blocked and she had her a thoracotomy in ICU without being under GA because it was an emergency; tell me you wouldn't be scared for life?

That kid is on the waiting list for a heart transplant, it really makes you think about the organ donation issue, i mean they say the avg wait is 100 something days, but that could be as long as years depending on your age, size and blood group... We talk about prospective recipients at a weekly meeting and its always controversial when they still smoke or drink when it's killing their heart and they'll prob smoke or drink and kill the new one too... but what can you do? Do you deny them the prospect of having a transplant on that basis, it is still someones life...

The average transplant work up costs $15,000, is it worth that public tax payers' dollars to fund it when the patient isn't taking responsibility for their own health?

Scraping the barrel

2008-05-31T14:20:00.005+10:00

Started a new rotation in cardiology, on the transplant unit, one of a few in the country in fact. Another six weeks of hospitalness until I get a six week holiday. Now this rotation isn't all bad, I have a hot resident, one small problem, it's a girl! Now I don't normally rabbit on about chicks but she's stunning, blonde, tall, nice ass, dresses to show off her assets, and damn... well I told all this to my beard and she just reckons I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel; that in my desperate situation of not finding any hot docs, I've resorted to switching teams to find some visual stimulation... In some ways, true.... there's really not much to see on this unit, i mean my supervisor has the best mo, it's like step back in time and the consultants all have appalling dress sense... its actually quite surreal.

I saw my geriatric reg the other day and I thought, geez, I gotta get out more...

Home

2008-05-24T22:04:00.004+10:00

Finally back home after brief stint in the sticks. I had a rather interesting encounter with a vet, with whom I had dinner; not a date, but along the way I decided that he was more interested in talking and I was more interested in not talking to him. So, I thought I'd post a snapshot of me:

Today I woke up and realised I couldn't get back to sleep, so I took my car for a spin and wash.
People say I look like I just got out of bed, which is often the case.
My best hangover cure is prevention; drink lots of water or juice whilst drinking.
My guilty pleasure is sleeping, chocolate and tea.
The last time I cried was something I'd rather not revisit.
My first kiss was average.
The worst mistake I ever made was believing that there was a simple solution to a problem.
The best advice I ever received was "grow up" and leave the "stupid you" by the wayside.
What is your relationship deal-breaker? Smokes and drugs.
If you were a food, what would you be and why? Ferrero Roche, pretty on the outside, soft and delicious underneath, but with a tough nut centre.
Biggest turn-ons? Smart and sexy.
In five years I hope to be Stable, satisfied and not single.
What three things would you take to a desert island? A comfy bed, my macbook and a guitar
My biggest fear is hmmm, failure I guess.
Favourite part(s)? Eyes, chest and arms.
Bar, club or pub? Bar.
Talking, texting or Facebooking? Talking.

Setup

2008-05-15T18:30:00.004+10:00

[Mmm. Two.]
Why is it that everywhere you go there's always someone trying to set you up. As soon as they see you and find out you're not seeing anyone they launch into the "Well, i know someone who you could go out with, she's..." - Mistake no. 1

I give them my usu line which gives fine detail as to why dating a girl would be restrictive on my time and choices. I still enjoy not having to think about someone else when making life's little decisions - where to eat, where to go out, when to sleep, when to do the laundry, what to wear. But 'no no' she says, 'this girl is a nurse and she will do whatever you want, she can work or look after the kids' - Mistake no. 2 (What I should have said was 'can she f*ck off?)

I ain't having no f-ing kids, I hate little kids, no crying babies, no stinky nappies, not for me, I can deal with older kids, but, when I think about it, I have a dog and some nephews - I'm happy with that. Then the woman tries to convince me it's better having your own. Ugh. Shuddup!

Anyway, freeing myself from the raving crazy woman, I reflected on my discussion with the beard about playing it straight and have come to the resolution that when I start working, I'll wear a ring and tell people I'm taken. Thus avoiding the subject and entailing conversation altogether.